Saturday, August 27, 2005

Grocery Stripper

Today on my way to do some grocery shopping – just the essentials: laxatives, coffee and Gossip rags – this cute guy around my age was exiting as I was entering the store. The millisecond he was out the door he immediately ripped off his shirt to reveal a well-toned, well-groomed, body. I’m not going to lie, he was attractive and was clearly only willing to follow the “no shirts no service” policy as far as the parking lot. The thing about it was rather than just enjoy the eye-candy, he annoyed me.

I spent the entire shopping trip thinking about him, imagining fake scenarios in which I shouted to him: “Oh, we’re all REAL impressed! Take it all off why don’t you? You think you’re such hot shit, eh?” I mean it wasn’t that hot out, why the need for the strip-down? I manage to keep my clothes on the entirety of my time in public, even on hot days. This instant reaction of lust and blinding hatred isn’t new either. I often feel this way about shirtless men in public… or men in tank tops, or basically anyone I’m attracted to really. Sometimes a guy in a really good suit just has it coming, you know?

I'm sure partly it's jealousy: I'll never have that kind of body, nor the desire to do the kind of work that getting it must take. And even though logically I do realise that having that kind of body is probably not going to bring instant gratification... It sure looks like it could.

Grocery Stripper reminded me of a guy I use to know who liked to find every opportunity to tear his clothes off in front of me; he’d then proceed to admonish all his flaws and I would happily try to dissuade him. Unfortunately those kinds of men are more often then not willing to come back for as much of that attention as they can get, even when it’s worn thin for the attention-giver.

Partly I wanted into his pants and partly I really wanted to try to help with whatever insecurities he may have had. But eventually you reach the point where you’re itching to say something scathing like: “hey I don’t have a six-pack or 20 inch biceps or anything, but I’m insecure too! Now you do me.” I still wonder about him sometimes, if he was ever insecure at all or if I was too willing to tell him everything he was looking to hear.


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1:01 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I went to the grocery store today and all I saw was a bunch of goddamned housewives.

Spammers can lick my ass.

1:15 AM  
Blogger sixshooter said...

I agree. It's a toss-up between wanting to lick them all over for being so sexy, or wanting to punch them in the face for being so sexy.

And suddenly your mind goes right to "Well, if I looked like that, all my problems would be solved ..."

And that makes you angry for thinking that.

Yup. Damn hot guys.

8:09 AM  
Blogger suz said...

i spent the weekend surrounded by hot chicks with dreds in skimpy outfits, or entirely nude. i wanted to hate them for being hot and showing it off- but they were just such sweet hippies that i couldn't.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

Dearest Anonz,
eat me hard.
Dearest Mell,
let's trade!! At least I have something to say to housewives!
Dearest Sixtysex,
this is why ghey is so yesterday.
Dearest Suz,
you should have brought me, I'm capable of hatred at all depths.

1:08 AM  
Blogger vivahate said...

I think Justin just had a fresh chest wax.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Ethan said...

i would have been arrested for stalking cause I would have turned and followed him!!

10:04 PM  
Blogger Gwen said...

If I had seen that, I would have yelled (softly, if necessary), "Ow!!"

I always do that to people when they're trying to show off how sexy they are, because it's such a cheesy noise to make. Sometimes they know you're being sardonic, and sometimes they just preen. Either way, it's fun.

3:26 PM  

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