Mean Queens

Confessions on a Ghetto Dance Floor

2005-11-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

Madonna, "Hung Up" video

Percentage of white people in the video: 0.5%
Percentage of white people represented by Madonna: 50%
Number of ghettos in video: 1
Percentage of people in video who look like they may have shot 50 Cent: 45%
Number of ghetto girls doing that "freak" dance: 2
Number of people humped by Madonna in video: 4
Number of people humped by Madonna in general: Undefined
Number of stereos humped by Madonna in video: 1
Percentage of pink leotard in video: 85%
Percentage of male on male action: 0%

I am definately a fan of the "Hung Up" video. Mainly because Madonna pretty much represents the 0.5% of white people in the video. I'm sorry, there's no way that I believe that these people dancing around in the ghetto are listening to Madonna let alone, "Hung Up" by Madonna. I love the song, and I definately love watching black people in the ghetto dance to what might possibly be one of the gayest songs in history. I definately expected more male on male action. But noooo, Madonna has to be all "street". Even though she probably has enough money to buy the street and build a giant gay bar on it. And I bet she would. We can only hope.

And I definately love watching Madonna hump a stereo. Because a video with Madonna humping an inanimate object is... well, a Madonna video, but that's what makes it great.

"Hey you know what's IN right now? Clashing patterns."

2005-11-19T15:07:00.000-05:00

Here we have some unknown arriving at the Angel Ball on Nov. 14th 2005 in New York.

[Source]

Um, really? This is what you’re wearing? For realz?
I know that I’ve become increasingly conservative in my dress as of late, but I still like to have a good time, honest! I do! But this is just stupid. I have no idea who this woman is, but her outfit clearly screams “vacuous hanger-on that is desperate to be noticed”. And good for her for being so honest in her intent, I guess.
God she kind of looks like Jane, of Tarzan and Jane.
You know, if Tarzan accidentally let go and she fell fifty feet through a shitload of tropical foliage. And somewhere along the way fought Toucan Sam or something.
It might explain the dazed expression on her face.
That and all the botox she is clearly injecting into her face.
Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over vacant.

"I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

2005-11-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

[23:26] rock snob: screw anyone who says that drugs aren't the answer
[23:26] rock snob: The totally are. They're the only answer.
[23:27] Flesh: Seriously, what are you supposed to be, like happy from WITHIN? Please.
[23:27] rock snob: I'll be happy from within when there are drugs within me.

Too MuchMusic

2005-11-05T12:34:00.000-05:00

Through a method unbeknownst to me and my roomates, we've somehow gotten cable recently. This is the first time I've had a cable in a really, really long time, thus this is the first time I've seen MuchMusic and MuchMoreMusic in a really long time. I've watched a little bit of the channels since getting them (never for too long; I don't want to melt my brain) and I can say that I think I've figured out their system:

The Videos:
When they actually do play videos, they have to contain at least two of the following:
-Ass
-Tits
-Bad fashion (almost always represented in the form of Fergie)
-A car
-A bunch of boys with hair that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1987 at the same time, wearing those goddamn studded belts and bracelets
-A bunch of boys with shaggy hair, wearing jeans and t-shirts that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1977 at the same time
-More ass (almost always represented in the form of Mariah Carey)

As for MuchMoreMusic, which is supposed to be the more "mature" MuchMusic, they pretty much just play a bunch of shows recycled from VH1, shows about how Beyonce was "Born to Be" a pop star or Britney was "Driven" to be Hollywood trailor trash-- I mean, Hollywood talent, reality shows about celebrities or trashy shows about the Fabulous Life of Tom Cruise or celebrities' most embarassing moments.

Did I mention it was supposed to be for a more mature audience?

Did I also mention that the last video I saw on MuchMoreMusic was the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Had Herpes--" Oh sorry, I mean "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?"

For an older audience, indeed.

Mean Queens Presents A Photo Essay: Courtney Love with People with More Class than Herself

2005-10-28T15:59:00.000-04:00

Here we see Courtney and Paris at the weekly "Mega-Skanks" meeting awaiting Britney, Xtina and Heidi Fleiss. What I love most about this picture is the woman in the background who looks like she's afraid she might catch something by sitting to close to them.

Chelsea Clinton: "Who?"
Courtney Love: "Who?"

Upon discovering who Courtney was, Chelsea promptly called the secret service and had her removed from the party. And we all know how that will end: She refuses, she gets arrested, she skips her court date, repeat.

I love Courtney's smug look in this picture. And Celine's look of horror. Although I can't say much more about it. You see, I can't see it very well because I'M BLINDED BY COURTNEY'S LIPS.

Billy Joel looks more hosed than Courtney does in this picture. And is it just me, or does he look somewhat like a muppet? It says something when Courtney looks like the normal one in the picture. She's all, "Get the piano man's hands off me before I kill him and make it look like a suicide!"

(I kid. Courtney quite obviously didn't kill Kurt. I mean, if you were married to her, wouldn't you kill youself, too?)

Courtney: "So, you're not really with the police, right? Like, the cops? Phew! 'Cuz I am so stoned!"

And thus answers the question of how Richard Branson got syphilis.

bitchymeans.

2005-10-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I ran into one of the various girlfriends I’ve established in my English classes and the following conversation transpired:

Me: Ohmygosh! You’ll never guess who’s in my Mod Lit class!
Girlfriend: Who?
Me: Do you remember that guy from our Victorian Lit class? He kind of dressed punky?
Girlfriend: The one who dressed too pretty to be actually punk?
Me: Yeah! He’s super cute eh, and TOTALLY a gay.
Girlfriend: Yeah, but he’s bitchy and mean.
Me: Oh I know.
Girlfriend: You do realize bitchy and mean is your “type” right?
Me: That explains a lot.
Girlfriend: You need to find a guy who’s bitchy and mean enough to keep you interested so that you don’t realize he’s actually nice.
Me: Know any?

I always admonish women who claim to go for the “bad boy” type because I think it’s ridiculous and weird. But the more I think about it, I’m beginning to wonder if maybe the ghey equivalent is going for guys that are bitchy and mean. Because I sure have had my fair share of crushes on men who have the personality of an axe-wound. I’m not sure what it is; perhaps it’s the thrill of the hunt or something that harks back to my animalistic-instincts. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for punishment.

You’d never guess it by some of my postings, but in real-life I’m actually a fairly nice, agreeable person, so maybe I’m just not attracted to like-minded people. Maybe it is a cut-and-dry example of opposites attracting… Although I guess that doesn’t explain the penis-on-penis action I’m interested in.

Teknikal Difikultees

2005-10-02T19:56:00.000-04:00

ATTN: Readers using IE who see giant fonts on Mean Queens

It shows up super ass giant in my IE, too.

Furthermore, I don't know how to fix it.

So, um, yeah... Solution: Get Firefox.

My Fashion Politik

2005-09-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

...my high school yearbook quote...

Sometimes when I’m getting dressed for class and marveling at my snappy fashion efforts, I am struck by just how much my sense of style has changed from high school to university.

In high school I was the kid that sported a Chelsea and wore track pants everyday. Usually my thirty layers of giant sweaters were accompanied by one of my many oversized Northern Exposure T-shirts with images of wolves and deer on them. In fact, one time in my senior year, while out for coffee, my girlfriend remarked that when in public with her I wasn’t allowed to wear T-shirts with animal images ever again.

Basically, I was a bull-dyke in high school.

Now I actually style my hair before I leave home in the morning; and by style it I mean never EVER do something as hideous to myself as a Chelsea. I’ve taken out most of my piercing and I try to wear dress slacks a couple of times a week. My shirts have become quite tight and I’ve adopted adventures in layering, mimicked from various Indie bands I’m a fan of. It’s been quite the transformation, I assure you.

All in all I’m quite trendy, albeit that my trendy is still done primarily at second hand shops. Let’s call it fashion for those on a budget. But more than just my clothes have changed, I’ve changed too [crazy, huh?]. I make a conscious effort to eat extremely healthily and I make sure to work out a few times a week in an attempt to sex-ify my body. Although with the sharp increase in drinking in recent years perhaps the exercise is more an attempt to fight off all the added caloric in-take.

In high school I thought that my clothing and style was reflecting my refusal to cave into the societal norms I found oppressive. I didn’t want to buy into a beauty-myth that was limited to the select few who exist at a pinnacle of beauty so few of us regular people have hopes of achieving. I sometimes wonder what would happen if Past-Me were to meet Now-Me? Would he think I had sold-out to the MAAAAN? On a good day I imagine he’d be jealous of how much hotter and thinner I am now.

But on bad days I wonder if I really am compromising something. My politics have shifted alongside my clothing-choices; for the most part I believe in the same things but I like to think I’m a bit more practical now. But maybe practicality and compromising are just pretty words for giving up and in?

Jesus a CHELSEA. What was I thinking?

Fags in the Hall

2005-09-28T16:09:00.000-04:00

Please tell me y’all watch Kids in the Hall and will therefore get this reference…
There is a skit in which one of the characters marches down the street singing: “These are the Dave’s, I know I know, these are the Dave’s I know!” As he passes various Dave’s in his life.
Having to navigate the ridiculous amount of people on campus I’m forced to play my very own version, in which I sing: “these are the gheyz I know I know, these are the gheyz I know!”
Then I proceed to label various guys I pass as homosexuals. It’s a pretty easy game to win at, as far as I know I’ve never been wrong. Although, I suppose as far as I know I’ve never been right either. But come on. I’m right.

*

Note to the Teaching Assistant who guest-lectured today:

If you do the following, I will assume you are a ghey:
- wear a bright-lime green polo-shirt and then call attention to it by saying “don’t look directly at my shirt or you’ll go blind”.
- proceed to make buffy references for no other reason than you’re gay and like buffy.
- have nice biceps.
- gesture emphatically.
- make all the girls [and faggots] laugh at your silly [but still lame] jokes for no other reason than the fact your eyes sparkle.
- wear a shirt so tight that you’re nipples are visible; because I will be forced to lick my lips and call attention to my tight-shirt in-which my nipples are visible. Dang, bitches still haven’t turned off the AC.
I may have a crush on my Teaching Assistant.
*
PS - I am trying to update our blogroll so those out there whose blogs I visit e-mail me or post so that I might aquire y'allz links and suchlike.

All the Drugs in this World Won’t Save her from Herself*

2005-09-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who frankly, finds it disgusting the way the media and fashion industry have reacted to Kate Moss’ drug addiction? Instead of attempting to get the girl help, or support her in any way, they are attempting to distance themselves from the problem, when, let’s face it, they are the problem.

It’s not as though H&M, or now possibly Rimmel, is going to go out and find a new spokesmodel that actually promotes healthy body-images to girls. Nope, they’re going to out and find themselves some twiggy 14-year old, apply heavy make up to her so she looks legal and continue selling the same fucked up body-image issues to women that likely cause Kate Moss – and every other model – to abuse drugs in the first place.

Sure Kate was stupid enough to get caught; but if my job consisted of remaining rail thin, wearing clothing and walking in a straight line I might need to be permanently fucked up as well.

Just to show how much illness has been intertwined with beauty, a few years ago when I started losing massive amounts of weight quickly friends and family commented on how good I looked “now” and then quickly followed it up with questions about whether or not I had an eating disorder. As if to further intertwine these two notions that sickness is the only means to achieving beauty.

* subtle Marilyn Manson reference.

Office Dance Party

2005-09-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Office Straight Boy, listening to some god-awful death-metal band: “Isn’t this exactly what people on coke sound like?”
Me: “I don’t know what people on coke sound like.”
Him: “This.”
Me: “okay.”
In my head: remind me never to do coke.

Straight men are funny aren’t they? Not to suggest that ghey men or women of all types can’t be weird as well, because they sure can. But I feel like only someone who has grown up being privileged by gender would think that because he sat at the computer with the stereo he gets to pick the music we all listen to. It’s kind of like when my dad is driving on road trips and he thinks he also gets to dictate what we listen to. Luckily my mother, sister and I manage to come together at these moments to assure him he’s just the driver. Then the three of us sing out loud to Jagged Little Pill while he silently sobs.

Whenever anyone else in the office selects music they always ask if the choice is appropriate or if anyone has a better suggestion. Not this guy. This guy likes death-metal and he wants us to know about it.

Finally the ear-bleeding music ended and he begins to change the disk and says: “You like Nirvana right?”
And not that I don’t enjoy Nirvana in its time and place but I had to be all: “Actually can we listen to something not depressing? I have the Cure in my disk-man.”
To which a great cheer of approval erupted from the various women and Co-Worker/Faggot in the office. An Office Dance Party and sing-along ensued to which Office Straight Boy stared at us blankly. The ironic thing being that the Cure are just as depressing, but it’s depression you can groove to and that’s the kind of sad I can get on board with.

About the time the Love cats blasted through the speakers we all pretty much agreed that this was the kind of song that existed in your shoulders, because you couldn’t help but do a little shoulder-shuffle and jazz-hands to it.

Finally, Co-Faggot says: “Robert Smith is the best.”
To which even Office Straight Boy had to agree.
I responded with: “It’s all about the lipstick I think.”
So of course, to reassert that even though he does enjoy some Cure he’s still straight, Office Straight Boy was quick to say: “not for me.”
In my head I was thinking: who said anything about you? We’re talking about ROBERT SMITH and HIS lipstick.
“Well at least he’s given you some options.” Was all I could think to respond with.

God, sometimes guys who are so quick to defend their heterosexuality – especially when it’s not even being questioned – make me want to bat my eye lashes and pantomime a blowjob.

Pecs Not Politics

2005-09-19T00:51:00.000-04:00

You have GOT to love an online magazine directed at the homosexual market about the issues important to being a ghey in society that runs a feature on “the hot men of the fall TV season” rather than an article about ghey-content in up coming shows. But then I looked at the hot men anyway and realized I’m part of the problem and not the solution.

Ashlee WHO?

2005-09-17T23:53:00.000-04:00

Do not under any circumstance layout an article about corporate music at the student-run lefty-rag-mag you work at with images of the Simpson sisters. Because you will be instantly bombarded with people first saying: “ohmyGOD, why are you doing that?” Followed by: “I don’t even know who that is?!?!?!?!”
Um, what?
You’re offended by This:

And This:

But you don’t know who that is? Admitting you know about Ashlee Simpson, talking and using her image to poke fun at corporate media is not the same as standing in line at her concert. I’m not saying I wouldn’t, but climb on down off your high horse and realize that the media has fucking permeated ALL AREAS OF OUR SOUL. So you fucking KNOW about Ashlee Simpson.

"Higher Education": The caps lock/bolding shows my hatred

2005-09-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

[15:34] Flesh: That is so what it is, the "I just woke up... BUT NOT IN MY BED BECAUSE I'M A GIANT SLUT" look.
[15:34] Flesh: And the guys are all "Oh , I'm sooooooooo cool, bathe in my coolness." AH, I hate them.
[15:34] Flesh: HATE THEM
[15:34] Flesh: It's so deep

I have the pleasure of living in a college town. A college town filled with college students.

Oh sorry, what I meant to say is, a college town filled with FLAMING IDIOTS.

I mean, I hate high school kids and I pretty much hate everyone and everything, but I have an extra special hatred for university students. Not all of them, but the grand majority. They're morons. They're all sheep lining up to get a degree in some subject that probably won't get them a job. And when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get on the bus because apparently, NONE OF THEM KNOW HOW TO WALK, and when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get into Trappers. So essentially, they just take up space. Space that could be used for, I don't know, trees or something. Or garbage cans, which based on the look of downtown at 3 am, students apparently don't know how to use.

I have the misfortune of recently moving to a part of the city that is INFESTED with students due to its close proximity to campus. They're EVERYWHERE here. And they all LOOK THE SAME. The girls, dressed in J. Lo style sweats pulled down so their labia is exposed, with their make-up all done and their hair as straight as Burt Reynolds sexuality (what I like to call souless hair). The guys, with their stupid trucker hats and popped collars. We've talked about this before people: Unless you are The Fonz, Danny Zuko or Dracula, you should not have a popped collar.

But then again, I live close to work now, so I'm spared taking the bus everyday, where I would undoubtedly have to deal with the groups of students that walk up to a random bus and say "Does this bus go to the university?" The bus says "Stone Rd. Mall" right on it, where do you think it goes?! And I understand if they're new, they may not know where the Stone Rd. Mall bus goes, but if they just walked across the street they would see at least three or four busses that either say "University/Kortright" or "University Express" on it. USE YOUR EYES PEOPLE.

There's also the university students that live incredibly close to campus but get all pissy when the bus is late or never comes. Sorry, but I believe the bus drivers were all busy driving students who live, say, I don't know, IN THE WEST END and need a bus to get them to campus, so suck it up and walk, you spoiled brats.

I've also decided to avoid any bars for the next few weeks, as to avoid the high volume of students infesting the bars, or as a local DJ refers to them as "The ones who request Journey."

Students: "Can you play Journey?"
DJ: "No."
Students: "Isn't it retro night tonight?"
DJ: "Journey isn't retro."
Students: "Yes it is, it's from the eighties!"
DJ: "Journey isn't from the eighties, unless you were a complete loser in the eighties."

It's true, nobody wants to hear "Any Way You Want It" except for loser students.

But then there's work. As many of us know, I work in a grocery store, that happens to be located very close to campus, and happens to be on one of the bus routes coming out of campus. Thus, we get a lot of students. Students who apparently can't see. The number of times I get some dumbass student asking me where something is in the store, something that is rather easy to find if you just LOOK, is uncountable.

Dumbass student: "Where's the bananas?"
Me: "Produce."

Dumbass student: "Where do I develop film?"
Me: "Customer services, about six feet to your left."

Dumbass student: "Where's the deli?"
Me: "RIGHT BEHIND YOU, JACKASS."

Or those who are looking for the Wine Rack...

Frat Boys: Is there a place that sells liquor here?
Me: Yes, there's a Wine Rack in the store, but it's closed for Labour Day.
Frat Boys: WHAT? Why?
Me: The wine rack isn't open on holidays.
Frat Boys: The LCBO is closed too!
Me: It's a government holiday.
Frat Boys: ...what?

Apparently, it never dawned on these poor morons that LCBO stands for Liquor Control Board of Ontario, something my underaged co-worker is aware of.

Retards.

Oh well, one day, they'll graduate/drop out, only to find they'll never find a job with their environmetrics degree without a PhD. and are slammed by their OSAP debt.

And y'know, living in Guelph, means that at least one in three of these students will become a drug addicted hippie after their first year.

And that brings a smile to my face.

(And to any student who's reading this and saying "So true, but it's totally not me" I would like to say "YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.")

"They say you can rap-about-anything except for Jesus"

2005-09-11T16:54:00.000-04:00

Not that Kanye West will ever know or care what I say about him, but just for the record I love him. I love that he has street-cred. I love the way he dresses. I love that he is making it okay and cool for urban and suburbanites to dress like they have a clue. I love that he loves homosexuals. I love that he loves music enough to try and save it. I love that he wants to make you dance and think. I love that he hates George Bush and is willing to say something, no matter what Elizabeth Haskell of the View, or any other conservatives might say or think. I for one think that more than it being an issue of race it is an issue of economics, but I still agree and support what he said. I love that he uses his platforms to address things he cares about. And Gold digger is my new favorite song ever.
Oh, and I love his bitchin’ sunglasses.

Close-Reading Porn: Part 1

2005-09-11T15:26:00.000-04:00

Rock snob and I recently sat down to discuss some of the more pressing issues in today’s world; and first on our docket was the state of the triple-X entertainment industry. In case it had somehow managed to slip past your keen observation skills, I am, in fact, a homosexual. And like many young men who are single and currently “not getting any” I occasionally indulge in a little something we in the know call “porn-oh”. As shocking as news like this might be, I ask that you stay with me.

Rock snob and I noted that in both ghey and straight porn there seems to be heavy emphasis on hairless, orange-tanned, bottle-blondes who are freakishly fit [but we’ll save that debate for another day]. We also couldn’t help but notice a similarity between the storylines in gay porn and in lesbian scenes for straight men. Inevitably two “straight” co-eds somehow manage to wind up naked in a change-room and one thing leads to another and they are engaging in their very first gay sex!

That “thing” that “leads to the other” is somewhat of a mystery to the both of us as it would seem that gay sex would probably only occur between two people if they were in fact, you know, GAY. I mean, I can’t count how many times a female plumber showed up at my door, fixed the pipes under my sink and then offered to fix my pipe. And I almost always refuse for the simple fact that I hanker for the wang and not the tang.

You would not believe how many websites meant for gay men use the angle of young straight guys having sex with other men for cash and cash alone [note: I only know this in the name of research]. It seems kind of odd to me that there should be such a high prioritization of straight men; as if to suggest that the idea of two gay men who might actually be engaging in sex for the enjoyment of it rather than cash is somehow less desirable then someone doing it for money. Why? If someone is in the mood to watch two guys hump on film I sincerely doubt they’d change the channel simply because the people on screen happen to be actual homosexuals rather than pretend ones.

Which brings me to my next point: is there even such a thing as gay-for-pay? It would seem that a man making a living off of having sex with other men – regardless of who he sleeps with in his personal life – is a little left of straight. I suppose I could have sex with a woman if I had to – or wanted to – and it wouldn’t change the fact that I’m primarily attracted to men. But the thing is I sincerely doubt that as a gay man I’d actively seek a career where having sex with a woman is part of the job description.

Of course I’ve heard that gay porn pays more than straight porn because the looks of the man in straight porn are less important [straight men wouldn’t want to sexualize another man even for an instant]. But at the end of the ghey maybe it comes down to how much you want to make money? Forgive me if I think it comes down to greed. Thoughts?

I’m so glad my training in literature has been put to good use this summer.

Drinking for Two

2005-09-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

Last weekend Nicole and I got so crunked we both passed out on her bathroom floor. So of course fucking Lohan busts in with her digital camera and thinks it’s hilarious to snap a picture of us ruining our good couture! Bitch.
I’m so never buying alcohol for her AGAIN; I guess she’ll be waiting ‘til she’s good and legal like the rest of us did! Or, at least, tried to. You didn’t see me taking pictures that night she snorted so much cocaine she left the party with KD Lang because she thought it was Jude Law, now did you? Now THAT’S a good friend.
Frankly I’m not sure what the hell Nicole does to maintain that stick body of hers because let me tell you alcohol is not conducive to a flat stomach. Case in point: see my "abs" after this summer.

New Levels of Faggotry

2005-09-07T02:34:00.000-04:00

Every once and awhile a dopey heterosexual male will make me giggle. That day was today. Whilst at work a co-worker was telling me about an author who’s work he happened to enjoy. Half way through the conversation he paused to comment that said author “is a homosexual” as if to perk my interest. I guess that answers the question as to whether or not he knew I’m ghey.
Soon too come: a debate between Rock Snob and I on the merits of porn.

Fan base: Fags and Jews

2005-09-03T23:01:00.000-04:00

[00:49] rock snob: we're such bitches
[00:49] Flesh: we're mean but funny, which is redeeming
[00:49] rock snob: true
[00:50] rock snob: it's not like we're gassing Jews
[00:50] Flesh: HAHA
[00:50] Flesh: that should be our slogan
[00:51] rock snob: "Mean but Funny: It's not like we're gassing Jews."
[00:51] rock snob: LET'S DO IT
[00:51] Flesh: NO, people will hate us
[00:52] Flesh: make it "It's not like we're gassing faggots" and I'm all about it
[00:52] Flesh: Burning faggots!!
[00:52] rock snob: that doesn't really have the same historical significance
[00:52] Flesh: fine
[00:52] Flesh: its funnier though
[00:52] Flesh: burnt fags
[00:52] rock snob: how about stoning faggots?
[00:52] Flesh: OKAY!
[00:52] Flesh: Because at least we can be like "YEAH BUT WE ARE FAGGOTS"
[00:52] rock snob: I'm not a faggot, I'm just associated with them
[00:52] Flesh: you can be a faggot on the inside
[00:52] rock snob: I am a faggot on the inside

Turns out, violence is the answer.

2005-08-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

I don't understand celebrities.

I just don't. That's probably why I blog about them, it's a feeble attempt to understand why THEY ARE SO GODDAMN FUCKED IN THE HEAD. Example:

(Socialite's Life)

Cameron Diaz has apparently decided to follow in the footsteps of Drew Barrymore and Bennifer 2.0 and jump on the "Let's take pictures of the stalkerazzi taking pictures of us to show how fed up we are because we're artists who make an amazing contribution to society and no one respects our privacy" bandwagon.

However, I don't understand. Quite frankly, seeing as the paparazzi are willing to chase celebrities around to the point of getting into car accidents, I don't think they give a shit if you take their picture. Whatever happened to the good old days of Björk and Michael Hutchence, when they just punched the paparozzo in the goddamn face? Made a lot more sense to me. Because y'see, if some weirdo was following me around with a camera, my automatic response would be to liquify them or feed them to my pet shark. But that's another matter.

I know this is some sort of ill-advised type of celebrity non-violent protest. I know a celebrity throwing a temper tantrum is worth more tabloid money than a woman finding an image of Jesus in her fried chicken, but they're still going to take your picture. And inevitably, the picture will be sold to Star, where some story along the lines of "Cameron dumps Justin for new camera shaped dildo!" will be attatched to it anyway.

When I see these pictures, I still see good ol' Justin-banging, poor-fashion-choice-making, abhorrent-movie-making, pretty much talentless Cameron Diaz. And I'm still going to make fun of her. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

Bitter: a State of Being

2005-08-30T01:04:00.000-04:00

Rock Snob and I don’t just slag celebrities, we hate everyone equally.

fleshburt: …she's a lesbian now

rock snob: I knew that
rock snob: with that Sandra or whomever

fleshburt: Yeah, its pretty much the first thing I mention when she’s brought up in conversation despite having told everyone a trillion times by now.

rock snob: oh, I’ve seen her making out with her lesbian friend on the dance floor several times.
rock snob: it's quite the sight

fleshburt: damn, I really wish I’d seen it

rock snob: it's not that great

fleshburt: I find her unconvincing as a lesbian, but maybe I’m bitter because I’ve been gayer longer and get less action.

rock snob: right, no budding

fleshburt: see, you feelz!
fleshburt: at least she wasn't a metro

rock snob: are there female metrosexuals?

fleshburt: my aunt didn't know what a metrosexual was this weekend and I was all "are you fucking kidding me?"
fleshburt: yeah, they're called tomboys though.

rock snob: ha!

Grocery Stripper

2005-08-27T23:56:00.000-04:00

Today on my way to do some grocery shopping – just the essentials: laxatives, coffee and Gossip rags – this cute guy around my age was exiting as I was entering the store. The millisecond he was out the door he immediately ripped off his shirt to reveal a well-toned, well-groomed, body. I’m not going to lie, he was attractive and was clearly only willing to follow the “no shirts no service” policy as far as the parking lot. The thing about it was rather than just enjoy the eye-candy, he annoyed me.

I spent the entire shopping trip thinking about him, imagining fake scenarios in which I shouted to him: “Oh, we’re all REAL impressed! Take it all off why don’t you? You think you’re such hot shit, eh?” I mean it wasn’t that hot out, why the need for the strip-down? I manage to keep my clothes on the entirety of my time in public, even on hot days. This instant reaction of lust and blinding hatred isn’t new either. I often feel this way about shirtless men in public… or men in tank tops, or basically anyone I’m attracted to really. Sometimes a guy in a really good suit just has it coming, you know?

I'm sure partly it's jealousy: I'll never have that kind of body, nor the desire to do the kind of work that getting it must take. And even though logically I do realise that having that kind of body is probably not going to bring instant gratification... It sure looks like it could.

Grocery Stripper reminded me of a guy I use to know who liked to find every opportunity to tear his clothes off in front of me; he’d then proceed to admonish all his flaws and I would happily try to dissuade him. Unfortunately those kinds of men are more often then not willing to come back for as much of that attention as they can get, even when it’s worn thin for the attention-giver.

Partly I wanted into his pants and partly I really wanted to try to help with whatever insecurities he may have had. But eventually you reach the point where you’re itching to say something scathing like: “hey I don’t have a six-pack or 20 inch biceps or anything, but I’m insecure too! Now you do me.” I still wonder about him sometimes, if he was ever insecure at all or if I was too willing to tell him everything he was looking to hear.

A Little Less "Hippie", a Little More Hip-Bone

2005-08-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

Okay yes it’s true! Me and Mary Kate have been tapped to be the new face of Calvin Klein, quit hounding us! Of course MK isn’t as stoked as I am about the whole thing, as you can see by this ultra-candid paparazzi shot. Apparently she takes issue with the fact I told some paparazzi where we would be to sign the contract. But in my defense I figured this was the best way to avoid having someone hit our car. I do not want to almost die like Lohan or SJo; I’m not going out like Princess Di I tell you!
Calvie – that’s what I call him now – insists we drop about 30 pounds between the two us because when he says we’re the new “face” of CK he means it. JUST the face. Nothing disgusting like body fat to get in the way of our skull and bone structure. I don’t really mind avoiding carbs, fats and proteins for a few weeks but me and MK refuse to stop drinking! What’s a little liver-bloat among friends right?! Airbrush it Calvie, what do you think that was invented for?
Apparently Ashley’s a little pissed about how much time me and MK are spending now that we’re model-buddies, but I told her not to despair. So to make up for all the times I had to cancel our weekly coffee-and-colonic dates we spent last night together. Just the two of us. And some people on a red carpet.
Bitch is always trying to out trout-pout me. I sure showed her, I injected blow-fish venom into my lips just before we headed out. Boy did she look stupid.

The story of the Mean Queens

2005-08-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

It was a sunny, July day. Rock Snob and Flesh were sitting at nearby tables in a local Los Angeles cafe, sipping frappuccinos, when the tranquill scene was ruined by Shannen Doherty's car smashing through the front window! Apparently, the employees had forgotten the cinnamon on Ms. Doherty's latte the other day. The federalies were looking for witnesses, and with Flesh's previous drug charges and Rock Snob's less than upstanding repuation with the CIA, the two cut a deal to help nail Ms. Doherty. From there, a deep, spiritual bond was created between the two, based on catty, cold-hearted, bitchiness and frappuccinos.

FLESH VON WINTOOR

Name: Fleshburt Thurston the 12th von Wintoor

Background: The von Wintoor’s are a very famous family, as we are 37th in line for the Denmarkian throne. But most people know me as son of the first woman ever to be kicked off a reality TV show for making too much of a spectacle of herself. Ever since birth I have been fighting to get the paparazzi to chase after me.

Status: Washed out starlet/coke addict; possibly royalty

Blogs About: Life in the fast-lane and my various famous BFFs.

Why Blog: Because US Weekly and People stopped returning my calls for the inside scoop into my life.

Pet Peeves: US Weekly and People.

Likes: Vicodin, Percocet, uppers, downers, blue ones, green ones, alcohol.

Duties: party-favor

How did you first know you were a homosexual? I guess it was around the time Ricky Martin started hitting on me. At first I was intrigued, as any young impressionable lad would be; we almost consummated our courtship, until I realized it was all an elaborate ruse to get me to join Menudo 2.0. After that, Ricky and I were through, but my love for the wang blazed on.

ROCK SNOB

Name: Rock Snob/Rachel

Status: Evil bitch

Background: Growing up in a strict, nun-run, all-girls Catholic school, Rachel grew a deep hatred for women, religion and society in general. She has married three times, all ending in tragedy, with her billionaire husbands all meeting an "unfortunate" death. Since inheriting her husbands' fortunes, she has shifted her interests away from marriage and towards blogging and Machiavellianism.

Blogs about: Anything I want, peons.

Why blog: In hopes of creating a giant on-line fan base who will aid me in my pending usurpation of world powers. That, and boredom.

Pet peeves: People who stand in the way of my usurpation of world powers; cats; authority; men in capes and/or tights; blondes.

Likes: Power; General destruction; bitch slaps; contraptions of slow and unneccessary death; men in suits/cages; puppies.

Duties: "Eliminating" the competition; fashion mavenry; critisizing blonde starlets; keeping Flesh off the coke and booze.

How did you first know you were a homosexual: I KNEW ONLY FAGGOTS CAME TO THIS BLOG.

"Hey, you have your period right? That's hot. Wanna chill sometime?"

2005-08-24T15:15:00.000-04:00

It is my firmly held belief that every high school had that one guy who was suppose to have graduated a few years ago. This type of guy isn’t destined for anything big, but he is usually smart enough to realize that his peak is in high school and he will never be as important or popular ever again. So he chooses to hang around a few more years past his prime, to bathe in all that he was. This is usually the same guy who dated girls way too young for him that would one day blossom into lovely young ladies. Alas, at the time they’d just gotten their boobs and were willing to date this loser because it was the first time anyone had paid them any attention [I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything].

THIS is what Paris Hilton is starting to remind me of. You graduated high school a few years ago right? You’re now engaged right? Don’t you think its time to stop club-hopping with girls who are TOO YOUNG TO CLUB HOP? I mean seriously this whole faux-friendship reeks of Paris not being able to find anyone her own age to worship her so she’s started recruiting younger and younger adoring fans, I mean friends. This girl is like what 15? It wasn’t even cool to hang out with 15 year olds when I was 15. Jesus, let her discover herpes the old fashioned way. Paris, call me, I’m 20-something too, we can smoke pot and talk about how much life sucks, like everyone else our age.

These boots were made for KICKING YOUR FASHIONISTA ASS

2005-08-20T20:14:00.000-04:00

What the hell is this:

It looks like it's a cross between the Ugg and the Mukluk, two boots that haunt my dreams every night. Honestly, are you peole who wear this crap on crack? You see a fashion statement? People, I see cankles.

And in other boot news, apparently, the Seychelle is the big fashion boot this season.

I hate you all.

This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2005-08-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

rock snob says: I looked at Gwen Stefani's online website for her L.A.M.B. clothing line, her clothes are hideous. I want to know who wears this crap.
Flesh says: 13 year olds and trannies
Flesh says: Did you know that Gwen is the most common name chosen by trannsexuals because of Gwen Stefani?
Flesh says: I read it somewhere, I swear to all my gods
rock snob says: Seriously? I didn't know that they liked her so much.
Flesh says: Apparently they do
rock snob says: Is she a trannie?
rock snob says: Somehow I feel she could be
Flesh says: Oh she totally is

My Hollywood Dreams

2005-08-04T19:47:00.000-04:00

Although I am cold and dead inside and my heart is a shrivelled clump of coal (we've had cardiologists prove this to both Flesh and myself; it's a requirement of being a Mean Queen), I must say, after reading the infamous Vanity Fair article, I like Jennifer Aniston. Like, I really like her. Like, I want to be her friend. I want her to call me up and we'll go shopping and do lunch like so many Lindsays and Nicoles do in Hollywood. We'll drink frappuccinos and talk about David Shwimmer's New Year's Eve parties, get followed by the stalkerazzi and egg Brad's Malibu mansion.

But at the same time, the article really needs to cut back on the whole portrayal of that woman that Brad Pitt is totally NOT having sex with as a "twice-divorced ...tattooed vixen with a taste for bisexuality, heroin, brotherly incest, mental institutions, and wearing her husbands' blood."

That was an actual quote from the article.

I get slightly miffed by the Angelina bashing because, even though I want to be Aniston's friend, I've wanted to be Jolie's friend for much longer. Angie could call me up and we'd go shopping for black clothes, adopt Cambodian orphans, get followed by the stakerazzi and then egg Billy Bob Thorton's dirt farm after throwing a Tomb Raider grenade through Jon Voight's window. I mean, she'd probably steal my husband and have him father her orphans while he claimed I wouldn't bear his child. Even though I'm not married, but super attractive women like her probably have some kind of time machine where they can go forward in time and steal your future husband, and then I'd get my own Vanity Fair article and then the book deals would come rolling in and then the money and then the power and then you'd all pay and... Wait, what was my point?

Ah yes, being both of their friends would just be SO super awkward, and with Courtney refusing movie rolls with Angelina, I'd be forced to follow suit and I don't want to choose. So please, let's all kiss and make up so my Hollywood dreams can one day come true. Thanks.

Paris Squared

2005-08-04T19:10:00.000-04:00

So I'm going to save the obligatory comments on how stupid I still think it is that Paris Hilton is going to marry a guy named Paris. Although I do hope she takes his last name so they'll both be Paris Latsis.

However, that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is to draw attention the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE SHORT SHORTS that Man Paris is sporting.

Man Paris, listen to me: NO. JUST NO.

Unless you're in a Wham! video, there's no excuse for shorts that short.

Sweet, sweet Jihad baby

2005-07-14T22:55:00.000-04:00

Who's to blame for the failure of the Mariah Carey vehicle, Glitter?

Al Qaeda, of course!

“I released it around September 11, 2001,” the singer told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung as translated on fan site MariahDaily. “The talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11. I became a punching bag. I was so successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead of number 1. The media was laughing at me and attacked me.” Additionally, Mariah also said that the movie was just too cutting-edge for it’s own good. “‘Glitter’ was ahead of its time,” she explained. “Today it’s ‘in’ to make 80’s music.”

I hope Osama's in a cave somewhere plotting the demise of Britney's career next.

Cut your hair! Damn punks.

2005-07-14T00:57:00.000-04:00

I cannot help the fact that God bestowed me - and so few like me - with the
divine power of what does and does not look tack-tastic, but he did, and If I
didn’t use my powers for good what kind of person would that make me?
I spotted the faux-hawk a couple of days ago on a Frat boy.
Now, okay, fine, I did have a faux-hawk as recent as a couple of years ago, but
I maintained the fucker. You do not let your faux-hawk grow out to unforseen
proportions so that now you're spiking a random row of hair in the middle of
your head while otherwise your side-hair is hanging down around your ears. EW,
stop, cut it, then revisit the look.
The same night I spotted this otherwise attractive young man wearing a matching
Hawaiian shorts-and-T-shirt outfit. Clearly, his idiot-girlfriend dressed him
because I don't believe a straight man would ever dream of wearing a shirt with
matching red tropical flowers. It was just so WRONG.

This just in: I'm the only sane one on the planet. Deal with it, bitches.

2005-07-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

Elaine: "If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's people."
Jerry: "They're the worst."

To: The dude at Pizza Pizza
cc: The dude who walked by me in the food court

Everyone stares. Everyone sees another person of whom they find attractive, or repulsive or interesting to look at, or whom looks like someone they know and thus, they stare. But we do it CONSPICUOUSLY. We don't stare right at them, while they can clearly see us staring, making them completely uncomfortable. It makes me feel like Lohan and the stalkerazzi. Soon, I'll be getting into car accidents and I'll have to make the obligatory tasteless reference to me being like Princess Di.

Look, I've made an art form out of staring in such a way that the person I'm staring at is unaware that I'm staring at them. And if you get caught, you don't continue staring, you look away quickly, or stare off over their shoulder, pretending you weren't staring at them at all. I feel like this stuff is common sense. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you people? Were you in a cave watching Star Trek the day God threw down social skills? Or am I just the only sane person on this planet?

Probably the latter.

Please; take this letter seriously and make some adjustments to your staring practices.

a glimpse into my personal life

2005-07-08T13:14:00.000-04:00

“Hey bitch, it’s me Fleshy… I haven’t seen you in awhile, whatchu been up to? … You got your hair did! Nice! Anything special? … stringy-blonde eh? Yeah, that’s not played-out or anything, very fresh and ‘with-it’… So listen, did you ever get that baggie of weed I sent you? Cuz last time I saw you, you were in dire need of the munchies … What the hell did I tell you about giving stuff to Kimberly Stewart? You know she just shoves shit up her nose, what a waste of my ganja, it’s not like it grows on trees you know … Fine …Oh, hey, congrats on being back on the simple life! But I thought you said you’d never speak to Paris again after you caught her trying to shove Twinkies down your throat while you were sleeping? … Oh, that’s nice … good … oh hell no, I stopped watching that crap-show after the first season, too contrived … no offense! Don’t be so sensitive … okay, good … *beeep* Hold on one sec, call-waiting ... Ugh, Fuck. Me. Hard. It's TCru again wanting to set up a playdate for me and KHo, apparently we have the same taste in Barbies ... I have to take this, try not to break a clavicle, bye bitch.”

Madonna vs. Mariah: Cage Fight to the Death!

2005-07-08T00:54:00.000-04:00

[00:37] rock snob: Who do you think would win in a fight, Mariah or Madonna?
[00:37] Flesh: Madonna, she does yoga
[00:38] rock snob: Yeah, I wouldn't fuck with Madonna
[00:38] rock snob: But something tells me that Mariah would fight dirty
[00:38] Flesh: Mariah wold totally fight dirty, she'd be all "I have big bosoms, and you're bi."
[00:38] Flesh: And madonna would be like "Do you want to make out sometime?"
[00:39] Flesh: And mariah would kick butt

A ditzy blond. And Paris Hilton.

2005-07-03T18:16:00.000-04:00

So, the story was that Nick Carter beat Paris while they were together. But quite frankly, if I were dating Paris Hilton, I'd probably beat her, too.

Touched by an Uncle

2005-06-29T19:58:00.000-04:00

So wrong.

SO VERY VERY WRONG.

As if the psuedo-incentuous lesbianism wasn't enough from the Olsen twins, they had to bring in UNCLE JESSE.

*falls onto the floor in the fetal position*

Beauty and Scandal, Thy Name is Brangelina

2005-06-29T19:26:00.000-04:00

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/47622004.htm

So, the big rumour is that Angelina is preggers with Brad's child.

I don't know if it's true or not, but the possibility that it may be is enough to keep me up at night.

I like Angelina. And I don't have any major problems with Mr. Pitt, but if these two reproduce, it's probably going to be THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD EVER. And I'm not talking pretty beautiful, I'm talking super beautiful, as if an alien race were to create a perfect looking creature for us to worship. And I fear that it will be SO beautiful that it will somehow manage to take over the world with it's excessive beauty, which is what I plan on doing with my life, so this kid better back off. And besides, we don't need anymore excessively sexy people. We've already got Angelina, Johnny Depp, Flesh and Me. That's all we need, quite frankly.

Then again, wouldn't it be funny if it came out looking like Billy Bob Thorton?

Tee hee.

come on baby, be my bad-boyfriend

2005-06-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

Hello SMa,

I’ve been a fan of yours since grade 9, and judging by some of your hair-choices in recent months I feel it is my duty to submit my resume as your gay-pal who can then shoot down some of your more adventurous – but god-awful – choices.

Corn-rows Shirley?? Why? Let’s not even go into the obvious – you are a WHITE girl – they make you look balding! You’re outfit is so cute, you’re ruining it by looking like you came out on the losing-end of a fight with a lawn-mower.

Call me, we’ll hang, I’ll tell you which pseudo-punk looks do and don’t work with your skin tone.

Love,

Fleshburt

Pop ya Collar

2005-06-22T16:58:00.000-04:00

Today while at the mall I spotted what has become a growing trend among young men: the popped-collar. Today’s fashion victim was a boy I spotted out shopping with his girlfriend, who incidently is a former Teaching Assistant of mine. Now I’m not against this look necessarily, although I could never pull it off, not being a frat-boy who says things like: “dude” and “hang-ten”.

But I feel like if you are waking up every morning and popping your collar you are taking this trend too far. Clearly it should be reserved for special occasions, such as when going out on the town, to a club or at a kegger.

The plot thickens

2005-06-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

[15:33] flesh: did you read about Katie Holmes on Socialite's Life?
[15:34] rock snob: No!
[15:34] rock snob: What do I need to read!
[15:34] flesh: Its fucking CREEEPY
[15:34] flesh: Its the very top story on the site
[15:34] rock snob: I read about how she wants to take an 18 month break to "Focus on her relationship"
[15:34] rock snob: ...which is just weird
[15:35] flesh: She went missing for 16 days
[15:35] rock snob: Whaaaaaaa?
[15:36] flesh: Its creeeeeeeeeepy
[15:36] rock snob: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
[15:36] flesh: I KNOW
[15:36] rock snob: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG
[15:37] rock snob: HE'S EVIL
[15:37] rock snob: HE IS THE DEVIL
[15:37] rock snob: SOMEBODY STOP HIM NOW
[15:37] flesh: He kidnapped JOEY POTTER
[15:38] rock snob: I'm scared, Flesh
[15:39] flesh: No, I'm worried he'll hunt me down to de-ghey me and in 16 days I'll be marrying him or something
[15:40] rock snob: Ah!
[15:40] rock snob: Don't do it, man
[15:40] rock snob: PLEASE DON'T DO IT
[15:40] flesh: I'll try not to, but if the rock is big enough...
[15:40] rock snob: Sorry, I misread "rock" at first

"I don't swallow! He KNOWS that!"

2005-06-20T23:12:00.000-04:00

I was there when TCru was squirted with the microphone and let me tell you, homeboy was livid! Recently he’s taken me under his wing as his protégé in order to de-ghey me. Personally, I think this Scientology stuff is a bunch of hooey, but I get lots of free eats and everyone is super nice to me!
KHo is a massive-bore, bitch be talking about her marriage this, her career that. I dunno what it is, but something about her makes me think she has ulterior motives… I’ll keep you posted!

Life imitates art?

2005-06-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

To you, TomKat, I only have this to say:

I give it a month before Katie gets disturbed by the freaky fish fetish and says "Come on JubJub, let's go home."

Poses gone wild - caught on film!

2005-06-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson does her best T-Rex impression.

Someone give these people a medal

2005-06-20T20:57:00.000-04:00

I just want everyone to know, if I ever get arrested in my life, I certainly hope it's for spraying Tom Cruise in the face with water from a phoney microphone.

GOLD

See the video here

Pulling a Lohan

2005-06-19T18:57:00.000-04:00

The following is a sample of the hilarity that ensues when the world’s favorite bloggers meet on MSN:

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Did you see my coke post?

Rock Snob says:
Oh I did. I really didn't know what to say about Tomkat, so that's all I could say.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
The picture says it all really.

Rock Snob says:
It really does.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
They're engaged. MY. Gawd.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Noooooooooooo.

Rock Snob says:
And she's all "I love scientology!"

Rock Snob says:
SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE TAKES OVER THE WORLD. Did you read the thing about how he "interviewed" Scarlett Johansen and the Lohan?

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
NO! PLEASE SHOW ME WHERE.

Rock Snob says:
Defamer

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Looking

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
They're GROSS.

Rock Snob says:
Mmhmmm. I took my bandage off to wash my baguette-inflicted wound, and I think my index finger has lost weight. Which is really odd.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! That was inappropriately funny.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Why is Defamer making fun of LLo? I loved when she did ‘the Cruise’!

Rock Snob says:
LAME

Rock Snob says:
And I think she did a nip-slip while doing it.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
I thought it was awesome, I was further endeared to her coke-orexic ways.

Rock Snob says:
Really Flesh, I think my finger's pulling a Lohan.

Coke and Sympathy

2005-06-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

L. Lo Denies Eating Disorder Rumours

That's great, I'm happy that your emaciated self can deny anorexia, but dear, we're not accusing you of being anorexic.

We're accusing you of being coke-arexic.

Get it right, druggie. Jesus.

GET THESE KIDS OFF DRUGS NOW.

The High Life

2005-06-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

These are exactly the kind of arm-lifts Lohan needs to be doing right now:

Don't worry Nicole, that purple elf is all gone now, you can open your eyes:

Tom Cruise proposes to Katie Holmes at the very phallic Eiffel Tower

2005-06-17T19:33:00.000-04:00

...No comment.

MTV Movie Awards...Fashion?

2005-06-15T00:51:00.000-04:00

I realize that I am blatantly ripping off the Fug Girls, but I can’t help it, I’ve been making fun of fashion-mistakes since my sister’s first dance-recital with the garish-rouge and the hot-pink short-shorts. Hopefully, they will understand and not cut me.

Lovely dress, fine hair, but seriously the ORANGE must stop. What’s going on with these people? I see the Orange EVERYWHERE now, no one believes you were somewhere tropical, everyone knows you faked and baked. Stop before I peel you for Vitamin C.

To be honest I find the cut a little unflattering, but I don’t hate the pattern. But the bunching down the centre? Tell me who is that flattering on? NO ONE.

I’m not sure why Jessica Alba has always filled me with such eye-rolling venom, but she always has. This dress is made out of tissue-paper; she had to have known that a nip-slip was inevitable. I do NOT enjoy. Not to mention, what’s with all the layering? Is it bohemian? Or just tacky? I say tacky.

Pam, I have recently begun to respect you what with all the charitable work you do and the fact you seem like a devoted mom. But you look like a flasher. NO.

I’ve loved Michelle since her days on Buffy and I actually think she looks quite darling here. The flowers are a bit much though… And come to think of it the fabric looks like it might be made out of curtains… But in any even I appreciate the lack of fake-and-bakery.

In 'da Club

2005-06-13T22:08:00.000-04:00

Last night I was out clubbing at the latest hot-spot, Poptartery when my best girl Ashlee ran up to tell me the latest gossip.

Apparently LLo wouldn’t let ASimp and JSimp into her party and crap like that; of course I had no idea because I’d arrived at LLo’s party early to put out various kinds of potato chips and Exlax.
As you can imagine I felt torn, these three ladies are some of my best friends; I don’t want to lose any of their friendships! If Jessica is mad at me who I’m gunna call up to do coke with? If Lohan won’t return my calls who am I gunna call up to take laxatives with? If Ashlee hates me we won’t be able to have our fun punk-jam sessions where we listen to early Avril Lavigne and Blink 182 and braid each other’s hair.
Horror of horrors, Lindsay arrived! Fearing they’d make me choose sides I told them I couldn’t possibly choose and that I’d have to leave, if they couldn’t make up like ladies. In the end it worked out, but not before some ugly moments were captured:
First Lindsay was all:

And then Ashlee was like:

Finally Jessica said:

And that pretty much ended it. We did a couple of tequila-shots off LLo’s clavicle and then decided coke is thicker than water. LoLz!