This just in: I'm the only sane one on the planet. Deal with it, bitches.

Elaine: "If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's people."
Jerry: "They're the worst."

To: The dude at Pizza Pizza
cc: The dude who walked by me in the food court

Everyone stares. Everyone sees another person of whom they find attractive, or repulsive or interesting to look at, or whom looks like someone they know and thus, they stare. But we do it CONSPICUOUSLY. We don't stare right at them, while they can clearly see us staring, making them completely uncomfortable. It makes me feel like Lohan and the stalkerazzi. Soon, I'll be getting into car accidents and I'll have to make the obligatory tasteless reference to me being like Princess Di.

Look, I've made an art form out of staring in such a way that the person I'm staring at is unaware that I'm staring at them. And if you get caught, you don't continue staring, you look away quickly, or stare off over their shoulder, pretending you weren't staring at them at all. I feel like this stuff is common sense. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you people? Were you in a cave watching Star Trek the day God threw down social skills? Or am I just the only sane person on this planet?

Probably the latter.

Please; take this letter seriously and make some adjustments to your staring practices.