Thursday, August 04, 2005

My Hollywood Dreams

Although I am cold and dead inside and my heart is a shrivelled clump of coal (we've had cardiologists prove this to both Flesh and myself; it's a requirement of being a Mean Queen), I must say, after reading the infamous Vanity Fair article, I like Jennifer Aniston. Like, I really like her. Like, I want to be her friend. I want her to call me up and we'll go shopping and do lunch like so many Lindsays and Nicoles do in Hollywood. We'll drink frappuccinos and talk about David Shwimmer's New Year's Eve parties, get followed by the stalkerazzi and egg Brad's Malibu mansion.

But at the same time, the article really needs to cut back on the whole portrayal of that woman that Brad Pitt is totally NOT having sex with as a "twice-divorced ...tattooed vixen with a taste for bisexuality, heroin, brotherly incest, mental institutions, and wearing her husbands' blood."

That was an actual quote from the article.

I get slightly miffed by the Angelina bashing because, even though I want to be Aniston's friend, I've wanted to be Jolie's friend for much longer. Angie could call me up and we'd go shopping for black clothes, adopt Cambodian orphans, get followed by the stakerazzi and then egg Billy Bob Thorton's dirt farm after throwing a Tomb Raider grenade through Jon Voight's window. I mean, she'd probably steal my husband and have him father her orphans while he claimed I wouldn't bear his child. Even though I'm not married, but super attractive women like her probably have some kind of time machine where they can go forward in time and steal your future husband, and then I'd get my own Vanity Fair article and then the book deals would come rolling in and then the money and then the power and then you'd all pay and... Wait, what was my point?

Ah yes, being both of their friends would just be SO super awkward, and with Courtney refusing movie rolls with Angelina, I'd be forced to follow suit and I don't want to choose. So please, let's all kiss and make up so my Hollywood dreams can one day come true. Thanks.


Blogger Princess Steph said...

you simply must post again. you are too funny not to.

3:21 PM  
Blogger vivahate said...

I think I can speak for Flesh as well when I say, our motivation to blog comes in spurts, usually triggered by profound inspiration, which is usually a Hollywood scandal or someone wearing an outfit we don't like.

5:56 PM  

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