Wednesday, September 14, 2005

"Higher Education": The caps lock/bolding shows my hatred

[15:34] Flesh: That is so what it is, the "I just woke up... BUT NOT IN MY BED BECAUSE I'M A GIANT SLUT" look.
[15:34] Flesh: And the guys are all "Oh , I'm sooooooooo cool, bathe in my coolness." AH, I hate them.
[15:34] Flesh: HATE THEM
[15:34] Flesh: It's so deep

I have the pleasure of living in a college town. A college town filled with college students.

Oh sorry, what I meant to say is, a college town filled with FLAMING IDIOTS.

I mean, I hate high school kids and I pretty much hate everyone and everything, but I have an extra special hatred for university students. Not all of them, but the grand majority. They're morons. They're all sheep lining up to get a degree in some subject that probably won't get them a job. And when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get on the bus because apparently, NONE OF THEM KNOW HOW TO WALK, and when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get into Trappers. So essentially, they just take up space. Space that could be used for, I don't know, trees or something. Or garbage cans, which based on the look of downtown at 3 am, students apparently don't know how to use.

I have the misfortune of recently moving to a part of the city that is INFESTED with students due to its close proximity to campus. They're EVERYWHERE here. And they all LOOK THE SAME. The girls, dressed in J. Lo style sweats pulled down so their labia is exposed, with their make-up all done and their hair as straight as Burt Reynolds sexuality (what I like to call souless hair). The guys, with their stupid trucker hats and popped collars. We've talked about this before people: Unless you are The Fonz, Danny Zuko or Dracula, you should not have a popped collar.

But then again, I live close to work now, so I'm spared taking the bus everyday, where I would undoubtedly have to deal with the groups of students that walk up to a random bus and say "Does this bus go to the university?" The bus says "Stone Rd. Mall" right on it, where do you think it goes?! And I understand if they're new, they may not know where the Stone Rd. Mall bus goes, but if they just walked across the street they would see at least three or four busses that either say "University/Kortright" or "University Express" on it. USE YOUR EYES PEOPLE.

There's also the university students that live incredibly close to campus but get all pissy when the bus is late or never comes. Sorry, but I believe the bus drivers were all busy driving students who live, say, I don't know, IN THE WEST END and need a bus to get them to campus, so suck it up and walk, you spoiled brats.

I've also decided to avoid any bars for the next few weeks, as to avoid the high volume of students infesting the bars, or as a local DJ refers to them as "The ones who request Journey."

Students: "Can you play Journey?"
DJ: "No."
Students: "Isn't it retro night tonight?"
DJ: "Journey isn't retro."
Students: "Yes it is, it's from the eighties!"
DJ: "Journey isn't from the eighties, unless you were a complete loser in the eighties."

It's true, nobody wants to hear "Any Way You Want It" except for loser students.

But then there's work. As many of us know, I work in a grocery store, that happens to be located very close to campus, and happens to be on one of the bus routes coming out of campus. Thus, we get a lot of students. Students who apparently can't see. The number of times I get some dumbass student asking me where something is in the store, something that is rather easy to find if you just LOOK, is uncountable.

Dumbass student: "Where's the bananas?"
Me: "Produce."

Dumbass student: "Where do I develop film?"
Me: "Customer services, about six feet to your left."

Dumbass student: "Where's the deli?"

Or those who are looking for the Wine Rack...

Frat Boys: Is there a place that sells liquor here?
Me: Yes, there's a Wine Rack in the store, but it's closed for Labour Day.
Frat Boys: WHAT? Why?
Me: The wine rack isn't open on holidays.
Frat Boys: The LCBO is closed too!
Me: It's a government holiday.
Frat Boys: ...what?

Apparently, it never dawned on these poor morons that LCBO stands for Liquor Control Board of Ontario, something my underaged co-worker is aware of.


Oh well, one day, they'll graduate/drop out, only to find they'll never find a job with their environmetrics degree without a PhD. and are slammed by their OSAP debt.

And y'know, living in Guelph, means that at least one in three of these students will become a drug addicted hippie after their first year.

And that brings a smile to my face.

(And to any student who's reading this and saying "So true, but it's totally not me" I would like to say "YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.")


Blogger Rob Danger said...

But not me right?
Because I totally keep my labia under wraps whilst I'm navigating the crush of orange-fake-tanned-bodies to-and-from my various classes.

6:11 PM  
Blogger vivahate said...

No, of course not you.

But we all know that everyone from here to Kitchener has seen your labia.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

How dare you talk about my labia like that.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Ed Grow said...

Ha-fucking ha! J-Lo/Labia flashing, low-light sporting, oversized immitation prada sunglasses wearing, livestrong bracelet conforming, northface fleece embalmed sorority hookers. Get it right.

You guys fucking crack me up! You are *ra-donk-u-lous*.

Oh. And PS. I am getting a double bachelor's degree in molecular biology and voice performance, and some day I will own this country. That's right! Tremble, tremble...


1:36 AM  
Blogger suz said...

the low-rise sweat-pant makes me cringe.

a friend and i were examining the 'popped collar' thing last week. it tended to occur most often on white or pastel coloured male golf-shirts, usually accompanied by a livestrong bracelet, and frosted-tip hair. yes- the frosted-tip still exists.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Digby said...

I was me! And I miss that life terribly. *sigh*

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What do you mean Journey isn't retro?? (tucking my labia back into my panties).


2:00 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

thanx 4 stopping in my blog wanted 2 say hi.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I hate labia sweats.

I also hate stupid spoiled students. Sometimes when I drive by the Berkeley campus I can't help but honk and make ugly faces. I'm like a two year old in a twenty-nine year old body.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

"J-Lo/Labia flashing, low-light sporting, oversized immitation prada sunglasses wearing, livestrong bracelet conforming, northface fleece embalmed sorority hookers. Get it right." - Eddie

That is so fucking true I almost peed myself a little.
"peed" that cannot be right?
Clearly my English Major is failing me.

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Ross said...

I motherfucking LOVE IT!!!! I am a university student and I found the following link to properly identify the sorority slutbags and fraternity douchebags around me. I am just taking a guess, but I think these descriptions might just be UNIVERSAL!!! You are going to laugh your ass off when you see this.

2:30 AM  
Blogger "the" Mrs. Astor said...

vonWintour, don't you think "infested" is rather harsh?
Maybe "plagued" would be better. Personally, I like to be "plagued".

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Firey post and funny to.

7:59 AM  

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