Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Confessions on a Ghetto Dance Floor

Madonna, "Hung Up" video

Percentage of white people in the video: 0.5%
Percentage of white people represented by Madonna: 50%
Number of ghettos in video: 1
Percentage of people in video who look like they may have shot 50 Cent: 45%
Number of ghetto girls doing that "freak" dance: 2
Number of people humped by Madonna in video: 4
Number of people humped by Madonna in general: Undefined
Number of stereos humped by Madonna in video: 1
Percentage of pink leotard in video: 85%
Percentage of male on male action: 0%

I am definately a fan of the "Hung Up" video. Mainly because Madonna pretty much represents the 0.5% of white people in the video. I'm sorry, there's no way that I believe that these people dancing around in the ghetto are listening to Madonna let alone, "Hung Up" by Madonna. I love the song, and I definately love watching black people in the ghetto dance to what might possibly be one of the gayest songs in history. I definately expected more male on male action. But noooo, Madonna has to be all "street". Even though she probably has enough money to buy the street and build a giant gay bar on it. And I bet she would. We can only hope.

And I definately love watching Madonna hump a stereo. Because a video with Madonna humping an inanimate object is... well, a Madonna video, but that's what makes it great.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

"Hey you know what's IN right now? Clashing patterns."

Here we have some unknown arriving at the Angel Ball on Nov. 14th 2005 in New York.


Um, really? This is what you’re wearing? For realz?
I know that I’ve become increasingly conservative in my dress as of late, but I still like to have a good time, honest! I do! But this is just stupid. I have no idea who this woman is, but her outfit clearly screams “vacuous hanger-on that is desperate to be noticed”. And good for her for being so honest in her intent, I guess.
God she kind of looks like Jane, of Tarzan and Jane.
You know, if Tarzan accidentally let go and she fell fifty feet through a shitload of tropical foliage. And somewhere along the way fought Toucan Sam or something.
It might explain the dazed expression on her face.
That and all the botox she is clearly injecting into her face.
Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over vacant.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

[23:26] rock snob: screw anyone who says that drugs aren't the answer
[23:26] rock snob: The totally are. They're the only answer.
[23:27] Flesh: Seriously, what are you supposed to be, like happy from WITHIN? Please.
[23:27] rock snob: I'll be happy from within when there are drugs within me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Too MuchMusic

Through a method unbeknownst to me and my roomates, we've somehow gotten cable recently. This is the first time I've had a cable in a really, really long time, thus this is the first time I've seen MuchMusic and MuchMoreMusic in a really long time. I've watched a little bit of the channels since getting them (never for too long; I don't want to melt my brain) and I can say that I think I've figured out their system:

The Videos:
When they actually do play videos, they have to contain at least two of the following:
-Bad fashion (almost always represented in the form of Fergie)
-A car
-A bunch of boys with hair that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1987 at the same time, wearing those goddamn studded belts and bracelets
-A bunch of boys with shaggy hair, wearing jeans and t-shirts that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1977 at the same time
-More ass (almost always represented in the form of Mariah Carey)

As for MuchMoreMusic, which is supposed to be the more "mature" MuchMusic, they pretty much just play a bunch of shows recycled from VH1, shows about how Beyonce was "Born to Be" a pop star or Britney was "Driven" to be Hollywood trailor trash-- I mean, Hollywood talent, reality shows about celebrities or trashy shows about the Fabulous Life of Tom Cruise or celebrities' most embarassing moments.

Did I mention it was supposed to be for a more mature audience?

Did I also mention that the last video I saw on MuchMoreMusic was the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Had Herpes--" Oh sorry, I mean "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?"

For an older audience, indeed.