Thursday, July 14, 2005

Sweet, sweet Jihad baby

Who's to blame for the failure of the Mariah Carey vehicle, Glitter?

Al Qaeda, of course!

“I released it around September 11, 2001,” the singer told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung as translated on fan site MariahDaily. “The talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11. I became a punching bag. I was so successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead of number 1. The media was laughing at me and attacked me.” Additionally, Mariah also said that the movie was just too cutting-edge for it’s own good. “‘Glitter’ was ahead of its time,” she explained. “Today it’s ‘in’ to make 80’s music.”

I hope Osama's in a cave somewhere plotting the demise of Britney's career next.

Cut your hair! Damn punks.

I cannot help the fact that God bestowed me - and so few like me - with the
divine power of what does and does not look tack-tastic, but he did, and If I
didn’t use my powers for good what kind of person would that make me?
I spotted the faux-hawk a couple of days ago on a Frat boy.
Now, okay, fine, I did have a faux-hawk as recent as a couple of years ago, but
I maintained the fucker. You do not let your faux-hawk grow out to unforseen
proportions so that now you're spiking a random row of hair in the middle of
your head while otherwise your side-hair is hanging down around your ears. EW,
stop, cut it, then revisit the look.
The same night I spotted this otherwise attractive young man wearing a matching
Hawaiian shorts-and-T-shirt outfit. Clearly, his idiot-girlfriend dressed him
because I don't believe a straight man would ever dream of wearing a shirt with
matching red tropical flowers. It was just so WRONG.

Monday, July 11, 2005

This just in: I'm the only sane one on the planet. Deal with it, bitches.

Elaine: "If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's people."
Jerry: "They're the worst."

To: The dude at Pizza Pizza
cc: The dude who walked by me in the food court

Everyone stares. Everyone sees another person of whom they find attractive, or repulsive or interesting to look at, or whom looks like someone they know and thus, they stare. But we do it CONSPICUOUSLY. We don't stare right at them, while they can clearly see us staring, making them completely uncomfortable. It makes me feel like Lohan and the stalkerazzi. Soon, I'll be getting into car accidents and I'll have to make the obligatory tasteless reference to me being like Princess Di.

Look, I've made an art form out of staring in such a way that the person I'm staring at is unaware that I'm staring at them. And if you get caught, you don't continue staring, you look away quickly, or stare off over their shoulder, pretending you weren't staring at them at all. I feel like this stuff is common sense. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you people? Were you in a cave watching Star Trek the day God threw down social skills? Or am I just the only sane person on this planet?

Probably the latter.

Please; take this letter seriously and make some adjustments to your staring practices.

Friday, July 08, 2005

a glimpse into my personal life

“Hey bitch, it’s me Fleshy… I haven’t seen you in awhile, whatchu been up to? … You got your hair did! Nice! Anything special? … stringy-blonde eh? Yeah, that’s not played-out or anything, very fresh and ‘with-it’… So listen, did you ever get that baggie of weed I sent you? Cuz last time I saw you, you were in dire need of the munchies … What the hell did I tell you about giving stuff to Kimberly Stewart? You know she just shoves shit up her nose, what a waste of my ganja, it’s not like it grows on trees you know … Fine …Oh, hey, congrats on being back on the simple life! But I thought you said you’d never speak to Paris again after you caught her trying to shove Twinkies down your throat while you were sleeping? … Oh, that’s nice … good … oh hell no, I stopped watching that crap-show after the first season, too contrived … no offense! Don’t be so sensitive … okay, good … *beeep* Hold on one sec, call-waiting ... Ugh, Fuck. Me. Hard. It's TCru again wanting to set up a playdate for me and KHo, apparently we have the same taste in Barbies ... I have to take this, try not to break a clavicle, bye bitch.”

Madonna vs. Mariah: Cage Fight to the Death!

[00:37] rock snob: Who do you think would win in a fight, Mariah or Madonna?
[00:37] Flesh: Madonna, she does yoga
[00:38] rock snob: Yeah, I wouldn't fuck with Madonna
[00:38] rock snob: But something tells me that Mariah would fight dirty
[00:38] Flesh: Mariah wold totally fight dirty, she'd be all "I have big bosoms, and you're bi."
[00:38] Flesh: And madonna would be like "Do you want to make out sometime?"
[00:39] Flesh: And mariah would kick butt

Sunday, July 03, 2005

A ditzy blond. And Paris Hilton.

So, the story was that Nick Carter beat Paris while they were together. But quite frankly, if I were dating Paris Hilton, I'd probably beat her, too.