Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Touched by an Uncle



So wrong.

SO VERY VERY WRONG.

As if the psuedo-incentuous lesbianism wasn't enough from the Olsen twins, they had to bring in UNCLE JESSE.

*falls onto the floor in the fetal position*

Beauty and Scandal, Thy Name is Brangelina



http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/47622004.htm

So, the big rumour is that Angelina is preggers with Brad's child.

I don't know if it's true or not, but the possibility that it may be is enough to keep me up at night.

I like Angelina. And I don't have any major problems with Mr. Pitt, but if these two reproduce, it's probably going to be THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD EVER. And I'm not talking pretty beautiful, I'm talking super beautiful, as if an alien race were to create a perfect looking creature for us to worship. And I fear that it will be SO beautiful that it will somehow manage to take over the world with it's excessive beauty, which is what I plan on doing with my life, so this kid better back off. And besides, we don't need anymore excessively sexy people. We've already got Angelina, Johnny Depp, Flesh and Me. That's all we need, quite frankly.

Then again, wouldn't it be funny if it came out looking like Billy Bob Thorton?



Tee hee.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

come on baby, be my bad-boyfriend

Hello SMa,



I’ve been a fan of yours since grade 9, and judging by some of your hair-choices in recent months I feel it is my duty to submit my resume as your gay-pal who can then shoot down some of your more adventurous – but god-awful – choices.

Corn-rows Shirley?? Why? Let’s not even go into the obvious – you are a WHITE girl – they make you look balding! You’re outfit is so cute, you’re ruining it by looking like you came out on the losing-end of a fight with a lawn-mower.

Call me, we’ll hang, I’ll tell you which pseudo-punk looks do and don’t work with your skin tone.

Love,

Fleshburt

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Pop ya Collar



Today while at the mall I spotted what has become a growing trend among young men: the popped-collar. Today’s fashion victim was a boy I spotted out shopping with his girlfriend, who incidently is a former Teaching Assistant of mine. Now I’m not against this look necessarily, although I could never pull it off, not being a frat-boy who says things like: “dude” and “hang-ten”.

But I feel like if you are waking up every morning and popping your collar you are taking this trend too far. Clearly it should be reserved for special occasions, such as when going out on the town, to a club or at a kegger.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The plot thickens

[15:33] flesh: did you read about Katie Holmes on Socialite's Life?
[15:34] rock snob: No!
[15:34] rock snob: What do I need to read!
[15:34] flesh: Its fucking CREEEPY
[15:34] flesh: Its the very top story on the site
[15:34] rock snob: I read about how she wants to take an 18 month break to "Focus on her relationship"
[15:34] rock snob: ...which is just weird
[15:35] flesh: She went missing for 16 days
[15:35] rock snob: Whaaaaaaa?
[15:36] flesh: Its creeeeeeeeeepy
[15:36] rock snob: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
[15:36] flesh: I KNOW
[15:36] rock snob: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG
[15:37] rock snob: HE'S EVIL
[15:37] rock snob: HE IS THE DEVIL
[15:37] rock snob: SOMEBODY STOP HIM NOW
[15:37] flesh: He kidnapped JOEY POTTER
[15:38] rock snob: I'm scared, Flesh
[15:39] flesh: No, I'm worried he'll hunt me down to de-ghey me and in 16 days I'll be marrying him or something
[15:40] rock snob: Ah!
[15:40] rock snob: Don't do it, man
[15:40] rock snob: PLEASE DON'T DO IT
[15:40] flesh: I'll try not to, but if the rock is big enough...
[15:40] rock snob: Sorry, I misread "rock" at first

Monday, June 20, 2005

"I don't swallow! He KNOWS that!"

I was there when TCru was squirted with the microphone and let me tell you, homeboy was livid! Recently he’s taken me under his wing as his protégé in order to de-ghey me. Personally, I think this Scientology stuff is a bunch of hooey, but I get lots of free eats and everyone is super nice to me!
KHo is a massive-bore, bitch be talking about her marriage this, her career that. I dunno what it is, but something about her makes me think she has ulterior motives… I’ll keep you posted!

Life imitates art?

To you, TomKat, I only have this to say:



I give it a month before Katie gets disturbed by the freaky fish fetish and says "Come on JubJub, let's go home."

Poses gone wild - caught on film!



Jessica Simpson does her best T-Rex impression.

Someone give these people a medal



I just want everyone to know, if I ever get arrested in my life, I certainly hope it's for spraying Tom Cruise in the face with water from a phoney microphone.

GOLD

See the video here

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Pulling a Lohan

The following is a sample of the hilarity that ensues when the world’s favorite bloggers meet on MSN:

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Did you see my coke post?

Rock Snob says:
Oh I did. I really didn't know what to say about Tomkat, so that's all I could say.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
The picture says it all really.

Rock Snob says:
It really does.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
They're engaged. MY. Gawd.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Noooooooooooo.

Rock Snob says:
And she's all "I love scientology!"

Rock Snob says:
SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE TAKES OVER THE WORLD. Did you read the thing about how he "interviewed" Scarlett Johansen and the Lohan?

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
NO! PLEASE SHOW ME WHERE.

Rock Snob says:
Defamer

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Looking

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
They're GROSS.

Rock Snob says:
Mmhmmm. I took my bandage off to wash my baguette-inflicted wound, and I think my index finger has lost weight. Which is really odd.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! That was inappropriately funny.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
Why is Defamer making fun of LLo? I loved when she did ‘the Cruise’!

Rock Snob says:
LAME

Rock Snob says:
And I think she did a nip-slip while doing it.

Flesh Von Wintoor says:
I thought it was awesome, I was further endeared to her coke-orexic ways.

Rock Snob says:
Really Flesh, I think my finger's pulling a Lohan.

Coke and Sympathy



L. Lo Denies Eating Disorder Rumours

That's great, I'm happy that your emaciated self can deny anorexia, but dear, we're not accusing you of being anorexic.

We're accusing you of being coke-arexic.

Get it right, druggie. Jesus.

GET THESE KIDS OFF DRUGS NOW.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

The High Life

These are exactly the kind of arm-lifts Lohan needs to be doing right now:


Don't worry Nicole, that purple elf is all gone now, you can open your eyes:

Friday, June 17, 2005

Tom Cruise proposes to Katie Holmes at the very phallic Eiffel Tower



...No comment.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

MTV Movie Awards...Fashion?

I realize that I am blatantly ripping off the Fug Girls, but I can’t help it, I’ve been making fun of fashion-mistakes since my sister’s first dance-recital with the garish-rouge and the hot-pink short-shorts. Hopefully, they will understand and not cut me.


Lovely dress, fine hair, but seriously the ORANGE must stop. What’s going on with these people? I see the Orange EVERYWHERE now, no one believes you were somewhere tropical, everyone knows you faked and baked. Stop before I peel you for Vitamin C.


To be honest I find the cut a little unflattering, but I don’t hate the pattern. But the bunching down the centre? Tell me who is that flattering on? NO ONE.


I’m not sure why Jessica Alba has always filled me with such eye-rolling venom, but she always has. This dress is made out of tissue-paper; she had to have known that a nip-slip was inevitable. I do NOT enjoy. Not to mention, what’s with all the layering? Is it bohemian? Or just tacky? I say tacky.


Pam, I have recently begun to respect you what with all the charitable work you do and the fact you seem like a devoted mom. But you look like a flasher. NO.


I’ve loved Michelle since her days on Buffy and I actually think she looks quite darling here. The flowers are a bit much though… And come to think of it the fabric looks like it might be made out of curtains… But in any even I appreciate the lack of fake-and-bakery.

Monday, June 13, 2005

In 'da Club

Last night I was out clubbing at the latest hot-spot, Poptartery when my best girl Ashlee ran up to tell me the latest gossip.
Apparently LLo wouldn’t let ASimp and JSimp into her party and crap like that; of course I had no idea because I’d arrived at LLo’s party early to put out various kinds of potato chips and Exlax.
As you can imagine I felt torn, these three ladies are some of my best friends; I don’t want to lose any of their friendships! If Jessica is mad at me who I’m gunna call up to do coke with? If Lohan won’t return my calls who am I gunna call up to take laxatives with? If Ashlee hates me we won’t be able to have our fun punk-jam sessions where we listen to early Avril Lavigne and Blink 182 and braid each other’s hair.
Horror of horrors, Lindsay arrived! Fearing they’d make me choose sides I told them I couldn’t possibly choose and that I’d have to leave, if they couldn’t make up like ladies. In the end it worked out, but not before some ugly moments were captured:
First Lindsay was all:

And then Ashlee was like:

Finally Jessica said:

And that pretty much ended it. We did a couple of tequila-shots off LLo’s clavicle and then decided coke is thicker than water. LoLz!