Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Confessions on a Ghetto Dance Floor

Madonna, "Hung Up" video

Percentage of white people in the video: 0.5%
Percentage of white people represented by Madonna: 50%
Number of ghettos in video: 1
Percentage of people in video who look like they may have shot 50 Cent: 45%
Number of ghetto girls doing that "freak" dance: 2
Number of people humped by Madonna in video: 4
Number of people humped by Madonna in general: Undefined
Number of stereos humped by Madonna in video: 1
Percentage of pink leotard in video: 85%
Percentage of male on male action: 0%

I am definately a fan of the "Hung Up" video. Mainly because Madonna pretty much represents the 0.5% of white people in the video. I'm sorry, there's no way that I believe that these people dancing around in the ghetto are listening to Madonna let alone, "Hung Up" by Madonna. I love the song, and I definately love watching black people in the ghetto dance to what might possibly be one of the gayest songs in history. I definately expected more male on male action. But noooo, Madonna has to be all "street". Even though she probably has enough money to buy the street and build a giant gay bar on it. And I bet she would. We can only hope.

And I definately love watching Madonna hump a stereo. Because a video with Madonna humping an inanimate object is... well, a Madonna video, but that's what makes it great.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

[23:26] rock snob: screw anyone who says that drugs aren't the answer
[23:26] rock snob: The totally are. They're the only answer.
[23:27] Flesh: Seriously, what are you supposed to be, like happy from WITHIN? Please.
[23:27] rock snob: I'll be happy from within when there are drugs within me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Too MuchMusic

Through a method unbeknownst to me and my roomates, we've somehow gotten cable recently. This is the first time I've had a cable in a really, really long time, thus this is the first time I've seen MuchMusic and MuchMoreMusic in a really long time. I've watched a little bit of the channels since getting them (never for too long; I don't want to melt my brain) and I can say that I think I've figured out their system:

The Videos:
When they actually do play videos, they have to contain at least two of the following:
-Bad fashion (almost always represented in the form of Fergie)
-A car
-A bunch of boys with hair that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1987 at the same time, wearing those goddamn studded belts and bracelets
-A bunch of boys with shaggy hair, wearing jeans and t-shirts that's supposed to look modern and yet retro 1977 at the same time
-More ass (almost always represented in the form of Mariah Carey)

As for MuchMoreMusic, which is supposed to be the more "mature" MuchMusic, they pretty much just play a bunch of shows recycled from VH1, shows about how Beyonce was "Born to Be" a pop star or Britney was "Driven" to be Hollywood trailor trash-- I mean, Hollywood talent, reality shows about celebrities or trashy shows about the Fabulous Life of Tom Cruise or celebrities' most embarassing moments.

Did I mention it was supposed to be for a more mature audience?

Did I also mention that the last video I saw on MuchMoreMusic was the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Had Herpes--" Oh sorry, I mean "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?"

For an older audience, indeed.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Mean Queens Presents A Photo Essay: Courtney Love with People with More Class than Herself

Here we see Courtney and Paris at the weekly "Mega-Skanks" meeting awaiting Britney, Xtina and Heidi Fleiss. What I love most about this picture is the woman in the background who looks like she's afraid she might catch something by sitting to close to them.

Chelsea Clinton: "Who?"
Courtney Love: "Who?"

Upon discovering who Courtney was, Chelsea promptly called the secret service and had her removed from the party. And we all know how that will end: She refuses, she gets arrested, she skips her court date, repeat.

I love Courtney's smug look in this picture. And Celine's look of horror. Although I can't say much more about it. You see, I can't see it very well because I'M BLINDED BY COURTNEY'S LIPS.

Billy Joel looks more hosed than Courtney does in this picture. And is it just me, or does he look somewhat like a muppet? It says something when Courtney looks like the normal one in the picture. She's all, "Get the piano man's hands off me before I kill him and make it look like a suicide!"

(I kid. Courtney quite obviously didn't kill Kurt. I mean, if you were married to her, wouldn't you kill youself, too?)

Courtney: "So, you're not really with the police, right? Like, the cops? Phew! 'Cuz I am so stoned!"

And thus answers the question of how Richard Branson got syphilis.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Teknikal Difikultees

ATTN: Readers using IE who see giant fonts on Mean Queens

It shows up super ass giant in my IE, too.

Furthermore, I don't know how to fix it.

So, um, yeah... Solution: Get Firefox.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

"Higher Education": The caps lock/bolding shows my hatred

[15:34] Flesh: That is so what it is, the "I just woke up... BUT NOT IN MY BED BECAUSE I'M A GIANT SLUT" look.
[15:34] Flesh: And the guys are all "Oh , I'm sooooooooo cool, bathe in my coolness." AH, I hate them.
[15:34] Flesh: HATE THEM
[15:34] Flesh: It's so deep

I have the pleasure of living in a college town. A college town filled with college students.

Oh sorry, what I meant to say is, a college town filled with FLAMING IDIOTS.

I mean, I hate high school kids and I pretty much hate everyone and everything, but I have an extra special hatred for university students. Not all of them, but the grand majority. They're morons. They're all sheep lining up to get a degree in some subject that probably won't get them a job. And when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get on the bus because apparently, NONE OF THEM KNOW HOW TO WALK, and when they're not doing that, they're lining up to get into Trappers. So essentially, they just take up space. Space that could be used for, I don't know, trees or something. Or garbage cans, which based on the look of downtown at 3 am, students apparently don't know how to use.

I have the misfortune of recently moving to a part of the city that is INFESTED with students due to its close proximity to campus. They're EVERYWHERE here. And they all LOOK THE SAME. The girls, dressed in J. Lo style sweats pulled down so their labia is exposed, with their make-up all done and their hair as straight as Burt Reynolds sexuality (what I like to call souless hair). The guys, with their stupid trucker hats and popped collars. We've talked about this before people: Unless you are The Fonz, Danny Zuko or Dracula, you should not have a popped collar.

But then again, I live close to work now, so I'm spared taking the bus everyday, where I would undoubtedly have to deal with the groups of students that walk up to a random bus and say "Does this bus go to the university?" The bus says "Stone Rd. Mall" right on it, where do you think it goes?! And I understand if they're new, they may not know where the Stone Rd. Mall bus goes, but if they just walked across the street they would see at least three or four busses that either say "University/Kortright" or "University Express" on it. USE YOUR EYES PEOPLE.

There's also the university students that live incredibly close to campus but get all pissy when the bus is late or never comes. Sorry, but I believe the bus drivers were all busy driving students who live, say, I don't know, IN THE WEST END and need a bus to get them to campus, so suck it up and walk, you spoiled brats.

I've also decided to avoid any bars for the next few weeks, as to avoid the high volume of students infesting the bars, or as a local DJ refers to them as "The ones who request Journey."

Students: "Can you play Journey?"
DJ: "No."
Students: "Isn't it retro night tonight?"
DJ: "Journey isn't retro."
Students: "Yes it is, it's from the eighties!"
DJ: "Journey isn't from the eighties, unless you were a complete loser in the eighties."

It's true, nobody wants to hear "Any Way You Want It" except for loser students.

But then there's work. As many of us know, I work in a grocery store, that happens to be located very close to campus, and happens to be on one of the bus routes coming out of campus. Thus, we get a lot of students. Students who apparently can't see. The number of times I get some dumbass student asking me where something is in the store, something that is rather easy to find if you just LOOK, is uncountable.

Dumbass student: "Where's the bananas?"
Me: "Produce."

Dumbass student: "Where do I develop film?"
Me: "Customer services, about six feet to your left."

Dumbass student: "Where's the deli?"

Or those who are looking for the Wine Rack...

Frat Boys: Is there a place that sells liquor here?
Me: Yes, there's a Wine Rack in the store, but it's closed for Labour Day.
Frat Boys: WHAT? Why?
Me: The wine rack isn't open on holidays.
Frat Boys: The LCBO is closed too!
Me: It's a government holiday.
Frat Boys: ...what?

Apparently, it never dawned on these poor morons that LCBO stands for Liquor Control Board of Ontario, something my underaged co-worker is aware of.


Oh well, one day, they'll graduate/drop out, only to find they'll never find a job with their environmetrics degree without a PhD. and are slammed by their OSAP debt.

And y'know, living in Guelph, means that at least one in three of these students will become a drug addicted hippie after their first year.

And that brings a smile to my face.

(And to any student who's reading this and saying "So true, but it's totally not me" I would like to say "YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.")

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Fan base: Fags and Jews

[00:49] rock snob: we're such bitches
[00:49] Flesh: we're mean but funny, which is redeeming
[00:49] rock snob: true
[00:50] rock snob: it's not like we're gassing Jews
[00:50] Flesh: HAHA
[00:50] Flesh: that should be our slogan
[00:51] rock snob: "Mean but Funny: It's not like we're gassing Jews."
[00:51] rock snob: LET'S DO IT
[00:51] Flesh: NO, people will hate us
[00:52] Flesh: make it "It's not like we're gassing faggots" and I'm all about it
[00:52] Flesh: Burning faggots!!
[00:52] rock snob: that doesn't really have the same historical significance
[00:52] Flesh: fine
[00:52] Flesh: its funnier though
[00:52] Flesh: burnt fags
[00:52] rock snob: how about stoning faggots?
[00:52] Flesh: OKAY!
[00:52] Flesh: Because at least we can be like "YEAH BUT WE ARE FAGGOTS"
[00:52] rock snob: I'm not a faggot, I'm just associated with them
[00:52] Flesh: you can be a faggot on the inside
[00:52] rock snob: I am a faggot on the inside

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Turns out, violence is the answer.

I don't understand celebrities.

I just don't. That's probably why I blog about them, it's a feeble attempt to understand why THEY ARE SO GODDAMN FUCKED IN THE HEAD. Example:

(Socialite's Life)

Cameron Diaz has apparently decided to follow in the footsteps of Drew Barrymore and Bennifer 2.0 and jump on the "Let's take pictures of the stalkerazzi taking pictures of us to show how fed up we are because we're artists who make an amazing contribution to society and no one respects our privacy" bandwagon.

However, I don't understand. Quite frankly, seeing as the paparazzi are willing to chase celebrities around to the point of getting into car accidents, I don't think they give a shit if you take their picture. Whatever happened to the good old days of Björk and Michael Hutchence, when they just punched the paparozzo in the goddamn face? Made a lot more sense to me. Because y'see, if some weirdo was following me around with a camera, my automatic response would be to liquify them or feed them to my pet shark. But that's another matter.

I know this is some sort of ill-advised type of celebrity non-violent protest. I know a celebrity throwing a temper tantrum is worth more tabloid money than a woman finding an image of Jesus in her fried chicken, but they're still going to take your picture. And inevitably, the picture will be sold to Star, where some story along the lines of "Cameron dumps Justin for new camera shaped dildo!" will be attatched to it anyway.

When I see these pictures, I still see good ol' Justin-banging, poor-fashion-choice-making, abhorrent-movie-making, pretty much talentless Cameron Diaz. And I'm still going to make fun of her. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The story of the Mean Queens

It was a sunny, July day. Rock Snob and Flesh were sitting at nearby tables in a local Los Angeles cafe, sipping frappuccinos, when the tranquill scene was ruined by Shannen Doherty's car smashing through the front window! Apparently, the employees had forgotten the cinnamon on Ms. Doherty's latte the other day. The federalies were looking for witnesses, and with Flesh's previous drug charges and Rock Snob's less than upstanding repuation with the CIA, the two cut a deal to help nail Ms. Doherty. From there, a deep, spiritual bond was created between the two, based on catty, cold-hearted, bitchiness and frappuccinos.


Name: Fleshburt Thurston the 12th von Wintoor

Background: The von Wintoor’s are a very famous family, as we are 37th in line for the Denmarkian throne. But most people know me as son of the first woman ever to be kicked off a reality TV show for making too much of a spectacle of herself. Ever since birth I have been fighting to get the paparazzi to chase after me.

Status: Washed out starlet/coke addict; possibly royalty

Blogs About: Life in the fast-lane and my various famous BFFs.

Why Blog: Because US Weekly and People stopped returning my calls for the inside scoop into my life.

Pet Peeves: US Weekly and People.

Likes: Vicodin, Percocet, uppers, downers, blue ones, green ones, alcohol.

Duties: party-favor

How did you first know you were a homosexual? I guess it was around the time Ricky Martin started hitting on me. At first I was intrigued, as any young impressionable lad would be; we almost consummated our courtship, until I realized it was all an elaborate ruse to get me to join Menudo 2.0. After that, Ricky and I were through, but my love for the wang blazed on.


Name: Rock Snob/Rachel

Status: Evil bitch

Background: Growing up in a strict, nun-run, all-girls Catholic school, Rachel grew a deep hatred for women, religion and society in general. She has married three times, all ending in tragedy, with her billionaire husbands all meeting an "unfortunate" death. Since inheriting her husbands' fortunes, she has shifted her interests away from marriage and towards blogging and Machiavellianism.

Blogs about: Anything I want, peons.

Why blog: In hopes of creating a giant on-line fan base who will aid me in my pending usurpation of world powers. That, and boredom.

Pet peeves: People who stand in the way of my usurpation of world powers; cats; authority; men in capes and/or tights; blondes.

Likes: Power; General destruction; bitch slaps; contraptions of slow and unneccessary death; men in suits/cages; puppies.

Duties: "Eliminating" the competition; fashion mavenry; critisizing blonde starlets; keeping Flesh off the coke and booze.

How did you first know you were a homosexual: I KNEW ONLY FAGGOTS CAME TO THIS BLOG.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

These boots were made for KICKING YOUR FASHIONISTA ASS

What the hell is this:

It looks like it's a cross between the Ugg and the Mukluk, two boots that haunt my dreams every night. Honestly, are you peole who wear this crap on crack? You see a fashion statement? People, I see cankles.

And in other boot news, apparently, the Seychelle is the big fashion boot this season.

I hate you all.